Gloomy Tuesday

As you probably already noticed, I’ve neglected the bloggety blog as of late. You could say that I have been on a blog writing strike, you know, to be in solidarity with the WGA. (All I wanted was 2 cents to every dollar that WordPress makes off my “lucrative” blog, is that so unreasonable?)

However, though I support the WGA’s cause, if you were to say that that was the purpose behind my recent sabbatical, it wouldn’t be true. As much as I’d like to say that I haven’t been posting because I’ve been busy with some worthwhile cause, the truth is that I just haven’t been in the mood to write.

Depression has been known to creep up on me from time to time, and when the darkness follows the bright lights of Christmas, the contrast magnifies the melancholy.

I bet you didn’t know, though, that depression can be a funny thing.

On one January morning the world feels like this-

And then the very next day, you could wake up and the world feels like this-

See! Hilarious! Depression pulled the ole switcheroo! Ha!

In an effort to take back some control from this madness that follows me, I have been trying to figure out what factors trigger depression for me. You could call it a morbid past time of mine. Come try it with me!

I dealt with low self-esteem, distorted body image, feelings of worthlessness, the suicide of someone I cared for, and other teenage melodrama-ness in high school. These negative thought patterns were directly connected to my teenage episodes of depression. I was making myself sick by believing the damaging propaganda fed to me by my own guilt, magazines, peers, my parents expectations, movies, and my own hormone-drunken mind. When I finally discovered the correlation, it was as if I saw a light at the end of a dreary tunnel. I knew how to beat my depression. I worked hard to accept the parts of me that I couldn’t change. I worked on the parts of me I could change, instead of wallowing in despair. I stopped having pity parties. I acted confident, in hopes that it would stick. I stopped placing my worth in my boyfriends’ hands. I took back control of my self worth.

And it worked. I buoyed myself up from the ocean of despondency, and the new view was breathtaking. During that time in my life I ended an unhealthy relationship, re-enrolled in college and mantained a 3.7 gpa, and eventually married Salvador. We had our share of bumps along the road of marriage, but our first two years as husband and wife were so happy. It was wonderful. I had it all figured out.

Then, I got pregnant.

(to be continued)